TBOAHWSTHSECBOHRHSTAU
by RealGeniusesProcrastinate
Summary: (Full title inside) War looms on the horizon as many of the Bard's characters ready themselves for the battle that may very well tear their kingdoms apart. But for the time being they need to survive their greatest challenge so far: high school-together. (Story is WAY better than the summary, trust me.)
1. Chorus

**AN: This was written by my friend, Little Bit and me. Please leave us a review.**

**Disclaimer: We obviously do not own any of the characters.**

**Enjoy!**

**The Bard of Avon's Haters Who Suffered Through High School English Class Because of Him Rewriting His Stories to Amuse Us or TBOAHWSTHSECBOHRHSTAU**

**Chorus:**

Nobody likes you

Hormonal crazed teenagers

This is a haiku


	2. Act I, Scene I

**Act I, Scene I:**

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," Romeo Monstergue mumbled as he spray painted the brick wall.

Mercutio walked up behind him and asked, "Partyng is such sweat so row?"

Romeo threw the canister on the ground as he grumbled, "I am expressing myself through art, leave me be!"

"You have to learn how to spell before you can express yourself through art. Why don't you draw a pretty picture instead?"

"But I don't wanna!" he complained, stomping his feet. He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he muttered to himself, when he froze and saw the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, Rosaline. "I love her."

Mercutio glanced at Romeo and then at Rosaline and then back at where they were at, behind the dumpster. "I don't think she'll want to date a dumpster boy."


	3. Act I, Scene II

**Act I, Scene II:**

Hamlet, a teenager, walked towards the school, frowning as he said to himself, "Here goes another day where I must greet my father's murderer with a smile. My uncle, who stole my mother's heart, betrayed not only my father but, me as well. Someone I have trusted as a friend and looked up to as an idol has transformed into a monster right before my eyes. Who is to say that I shall not become the same? Are we not all damned to the same fate…father?" He looked up at the sky, his eyes watering a little but he knew he had to be strong, for his people.

"Honey, who are you talking to?" Gertrude asked, peaking out of her car window.

"Fuck you mom!" he shouted, his voice cracking at the word mom as he stormed off, bumping into Rosaline as he quickly muttered sorry.

Rosaline's eyes widened as she touched her heart and smiled, "I have seen the light."

Mercutio looked at Romeo and gestured towards Hamlet, "See, schizos even outrank dumpster boys."

Romeo huddled in a corner as he sniffled, "I wish to die. My heart only belongs to Rosaline. I shall love no other."

"Ah, but what other shall love you? You have no one," Mercutio pointed out. "I don't even know why I'm still here?"


	4. Act I, SceneIII

**Act I, Scene III:**

Katherina stormed in like a hurricane as she stopped in front of Romeo, who was sulking behind her dumpster and shouted, "What are you doing behind my dumpster?"

"This is my dumpster," Romeo retorted proudly.

"My name's on it!"

"Hey, Katie can be your lover?" Mercutio mused.

"It's Kate, not Kate-ie!" She then kicked Romeo aside who squeaked as she pointed out that her name really was on the dumpster.

"See, it's my dumpster! Mine!"

Mercutio smiled, stepping on Romeo to talk to her as he explained, "I'm sorry Kate-_ie_ but my stupid friend Romeo is illiterate." He pointed to the graffiti, "He can't even spell."

"Well, I guess it's not your fault you're an idiot! Just don't let it happen again!"

Mercutio wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulder as he said, "But you see since Romeo is stupid it will happen again."

"Kitty!" Petruchio cried waving his hand as he ran toward her, stepping on Romeo, who flinched. "I was looking everywhere for you."

"Oh, so he can call you Kitty but I can't call you Katie?" Mercutio questioned, teasingly.

"You call my Kitty Katie?" Petruchio asked surprised.

"You call my Katie Kitty," Mercutio answered.

"I. Am. Kate!" Kate shouted stomping her foot ready to kick both of them.

"See, Katie is my girlfriend," Mercutio said.

"I am not!" she shouted.

Mercutio then shouted at the top of his lungs so everyone in the school can hear, "Katie is my girlfriend! This Katie! Right here!"

Petruchio then smiled and shouted, "But you see Kitty is my girlfriend! She cannot be dating you for she is dating me, for she is my shrew! Unless you are calling Kitty a whore!"

Bianca turned as she stated, "But I'm the whore sister."

Romeo mumbled as he cried, "My sweet Rosaline…how I long for you."

Mercutio grinned as he kicked Romeo and said, "I forgot you were there old buddy." He picked Romeo up and threw him over his shoulder as he stated, "Katie I shall win your heart! For you are a bitch, and I like bitches."

"Yes, and I too like you for being a bitch," Petruchio said, patting Kate on the head. "Do not worry my shrew, I shall stop Mercutio." He then walked past Mercutio who was slowed down by Romeo's weight and taped a piece of paper that read, _Kick me I'm a loser_, on his back.

Kate frowned, narrowing her eyes as the anger boiled inside. She then picked up the dumpster and threw it, hitting Puck. He was crushed under the dumpster, his feet stuck out and then curled up and dissolved, his shoes the only things to remain. Christopher Sly whistled as he casually walked over and picked up the shoes, scurrying away.


	5. Act I, Scene IV

**Enjoy and remember to review!**

**Act I, Scene IV:**

Christopher Sly, wearing his new shoes, held a knife in his hand as he engraved _I Am Sly_ on his wooden desk, a bottle of clear liquid next to him.

Rosaline hands cupped her face as she sighed, gazing out the window as she muttered, "Hamlet."

Beatrice rolled her eyes and shook her head in disappointment, "So I see you finally fell in love as well. I guess it won't be long till it happens to me."

A hand clasped her shoulder and she turned to see Benedick smiling at her as he said, "Hello, Bert."

She sighed and grumbled, "I shall see that it will never happen. I refuse to fall in love."

He took a seat next to her and asked, "But why not? Love is fun, especially when you keep your options open. Over the summer I had four lovers and they were great, sometimes at the same time." He held his stomach, throwing his head back as he snorted.

"You know lovers have to be real people, not simply a figment of your imagination."

"We were talking about me remember, not you."

"Oh, I know. You see, unlike you Lil Dick, real men have girlfriends, but if you are comfortable with your mother that is fine by me."

"My mother, don't you recall your mother saw me last night and she was quite the screamer."

"I think you confuse a cry for help as a love confession. See, I know since you never heard one I'll explain to you that it is I love you, not rape."

"I'm sorry but I can never return your love no matter how many times you think of me sleeping with you, I don't make love with old hags."

"I'm sure Bianca resents that."

"I'm sorry I'm sure you and Bianca made such sweet lovers."

"I already explained to you lovers have to be real. Sometimes I—"

The door opened as Goneril walked in smacking the board with ruler as she said, "Children! I will not tolerate disorder in my class, understand?"

"She means you Bert," Benedick whispered.

"You there," Goneril barked. Benedick casually looked around when she narrowed her eyes and continued, "You boy, what is your name?"

"It's Lil Dick, ma'am," Beatrice answered for him.

Benedick smiled as he said, "You would know."

"I do not have time for lover quarrels in my classroom, do you understand?"

Beatrice and Benedick exchanged glances before they laughed.

"That was funny joke right there. For a minute there I thought you were a cranky old coot," Benedick chuckled.

"I was not joking. Settle down now or I will have to give you both a detention." She then glanced down at Christopher Sly who was still engraving in his desk. "And you, stop damaging school property."

He admittedly threw the knife behind him as he quickly replied, "I didn't do nothun."

"I did not do anything," she corrected in a huff.

"That's what I'm saying ma'am. It was Banquo. I saw it with my own two eyes."

"That is a lie!" Banquo shouted slamming his hands on his desk.

"I agree for such treachery," Macbeth barked, pulling out a sword, "we shall cut off your head."

"See, they're troublemakers, both of them," Christopher Sly declared. "I bet you they're the kind of people that would ruin the monarchial system of the school. It's always the tentacle ones."

"What you just call me?!" Macbeth roared, swiping his sword, but Christopher Sly ducked, crawling underneath the desks.

Goneril rolled her eyes and smacked Macbeth and Banquo in the face. They both whined, Macbeth running to Lady Macbeth and lying his head on her lap as he cried, "She hit me."

"I know," she said, patting his head.

Christopher Sly continued crawling, when he stood up and shoved asleep Tybalt out of his desk and said, "I'm Tybalt now." He pointed to Tybalt and exclaimed, "He's Christopher Sly."

Tybalt mumbled, turning as he lied on the floor, sleeping. Goneril, starting to grow irritated, scolded, "I know it is you, Christopher Sly."

"No, I'm Tybalt. Romeo, oh Romeo. Where art though Romeo, so I can kill him," Christopher Sly cried.

Benevolio looked up from his book and raised his head, "I know Romeo. He's my cousin."

Christopher Sly turned toward him and replied, "I have to kill him because I'm Tybalt, merh."

Benevolio frowned, "You aren't Tybalt."

Benedick slowly clapped his hands, "Good job, Boo."

Benevolio smiled and chimed, "Thanks, Lil Dick."

"You would know, wouldn't you?"  
"Actually I don't," Benevolio said. He was about to stand but Benedick stopped him by saying,

"Don't take the joke too far, my friend."

Edgar watched the scene and said to Laertes, "I like this class, looks like this is going to be a fun year."

Laertes was watching Rosaline gush over Hamlet in disdain. "After I cook me up some piggy, it will be."


End file.
